Ugh!

School tomorrow! YUCK!
Honestly, I was looking forward to it, untill all this crap happened. Tomorrow's gonna be awkward. Greeeeeeeeat.

Well, I guess seeing friends again will be a good thing, but yes, it's still going to be awkward.

Can't believe I'm saying this, but...

Experiencing these last few days, made me realise how important my brother is to me. He's my best friend. Always supporting me, and looking out for me. I love him. He makes me laugh when I'm at my lowest, and he always knows if something's wrong.

HAHAHAHA. We're having the funniest video call right now, through msn. We're making the funniest faces at each other, only cause I can't be bothered walking to the lounge from my room. He makes me laugh so much and I'm only truely smiling and laughing, and I can be my true self when I'm with him.

Kevin Semmens, I love you. I always do, even when I bag the crap outta you. :)

:@

Mum: "Do you think we're pushing the kids too hard?"
Dad: "No. I'm just asking them to concentrate."

Mum, you ask that now?! After all these years I've been telling you?! WHAT THE HELL.

It's official.

I highly dislike hate my mother.

Fuck My Life.

Fuck parents.
Fuck friends.
Fuck family.
Fuck you.
Fuck me.
Fuck my life.

Grr! I hate this. I hate how nothing is going the way I want it to. And how every good part of my life just turned on me. Traitors!

Dear You,

I've tried to fix this. I honestly have. I tried to talk to you just before, but you didn't show any response. I had to constantly ask you questions to keep the tiny convosation happening. It didnt even last a whole page.
You obviously didn't want to fix this, so I just gave up. I've given up all hope on us.

Dear You,

Please Read These Lyrics.
Tonight - Jonas Brothers.

Well, here we are again
Throwing punchlines, no one wins
As the morning sun begins to rise
We're fading fast and we won't work this out

No, we're not gonna work this out tonight
No, we're not gonna make this right
So I'll give a kiss and say goodbye
'Cause we're not gonna work this out tonight

Every single word's been said
Broke each other's hearts again
As the starlit sky begins to shine
We're breaking down
She screams out

No, we're not gonna work this out tonight
No, we're not gonna make this right
So I'll give a kiss and say goodbye
'Cause we're not gonna work this out tonight

We don't have to fight tonight, tonight
We just gotta try tonight
We don't have to fight tonight
We just gotta try tonight

No, we're not gonna work this out tonight
No, we're not gonna make this right
So I'll give a kiss and say goodbye
'Cause we're not gonna work this out tonight

Well, there's no need to fight we're just wasting time
If you give it time well then maybe you'll find
Well, we know we're in love so let's keep it alive
I'm starting to see the morning light
We've finally worked this out

Pwoaahhh!

Nicholas Jonas ♥

And you all ask why I love that man...
Just another reason why I smile at the word 'Jonas'.


Thankyou, Friend,
For brightening my darkest day.

Dear You,

I don't know if you'll read this, I'm sure that you probably won't, but I guess this is more for me, than for you. But I think it would be good for you to know how I feel.

Looking over last night hurts me. Every punch line we threw at each other wasn't helping the situation we've gotten ourselves into. It hurts how we can't even talk about this. We were both stuck for words, when we both wanted this moment to happen for a long time. We both wanted to talk about this, not fight, and when we finally got the chance, it just did not work for us.

I was in tears, all night. I've been in tears the whole time. I've felt as if my heart has been ripped out of my chest.

I hurt when I think of you. It pains me when I think about what we used to be. How all of that unravelled. It used to be so easy for us. And I know we're both going to try to make this work, though we both know that it probably will never be the same.
But, the thing is, I don't know if I want it to go back to the way it was. I can see what's going to happen, again. I've constantly forgiven you, I've given you too many second chances, that you've continually messed up. Which has led up to this massive war zone. Eventually, I would have had enough of this crap, you should've seen it comming. You should have known I was going to give up on you one day.

But what really shits me, is that you didn't even notice the pain you were causing. How could you be so ignorant? And I'm supposed to call you my friend. It hurts me, it really does.

I don't want you to take this the wrong way. I still need you, and I can not let go of you. I just want you to understand what I'm feeling. I miss you. I miss us. I need you, and I'm longing for us.

3:29 a.m. later that night.

I honestly don't know what to say to you. I'm stuck for words. I'm stuck emotionaly. I'm stuck.
I can't forgive, I can't forget. I don't want to apologise, but I do at the same time. I'm glad we've talked, but I'm angry that we're still fighting.
You have no idea how much I've longed for you to know how I feel. I'm glad that you finally know. But I honestly didn't intend for it to be like this, with both of us not knowing what to say to each other.

I don't want our friendship to drown, whilst fighting against this rip. We must win this battle together. I know we can.

3:22 a.m. later that night.

All this time I was wasting,
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down
And it's taking me this long
But I figured you out
And you're thinking we'll be fine again,
But not this time around
-White Horse - Taylor Swift

Thankyou, friend. I love you.

3:05 a.m. later that night.

What are you doing?! What could possibly be more important than this? Why are you making me us wait? We have both been waiting for this long enough.

2:35 a.m. later that night.

I just realised how much I love sleep. Sleep is effortless. No emotions needed for sleep. Sleep makes all pain disappear.

But, I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight. This hurts too much. This hole in my chest keeps collapsing whithin itself, it keeps getting bigger. It's destroying me.
And my eyes are in pain from their shutting, because of the stupid salt from these stupid tears. And why have I been crying? I need to grow up.

2:45 a.m. later that night.

Why are we still fighting?! And why am I still crying?! And why is the real friend trying to keep me happy?! I can not manage this right now. I can not keep changing emotions, and moods for each person. This is too much for me!
P.S. Thankyou, friend, for keeping a smile on my face. I love you.

2:17 a.m, later that night,

After all this, I don't wanna fight with you!

1:57 a.m. later that night.

We're in the middle of this dispute, and your making me wait?! :|
I've waited enough.

I'm left in the dark, never thought you'd be breaking my heart, and I'm so bored with these games.
-Games - Jonas Brothers.

1:35 a.m. later that night.

Stupid tissues, they make the tears go away, but not the pain.

1:15 a.m. later that night.

Have you ever stopped to think that the reason maybe you?

12:46 a.m. later that night.

I'm sitting here, tears falling from my eyes, down my face, and dropping onto this key board. My hands black, mascara and eyeliner smeared all over them, proof of my useless attempt to make this pain go away.
Why is this? Because a real friend questioned me about the previous blog. She's my best friend, and so are you, but for some reason I still had trouble explaining to her that it was you, that I was writing about. And I don't know why.

This great deal of pain your causing me, it rips my heart out. Why do you have to hurt me so much? How can you take no notice of my pain? I'm supposed to call you my friend. Honestly, I don't know if I can go on like this much longer. I don't know if I'll be able to name you such a thing. It hurts to think of you as a friend anymore. You are a stranger to me.

In one way or another, you always seem to puncture a hole through my heart. Your presence makes me feel unwanted. You kick me, whilst I'm already down. It hurts. It really does.

And if you would take any interest in what I do, what this 'blog' I constantly tell you to read, but you constantly reject, maybe you would know how/what I'm feeling?

But thank you, real friend, for causing these tears. I needed to let them out. I needed to let these words out. Thankyou, real friend, for being you. For being so persistant, so supportive. I really needed you tonight. Thankyou.

I'm sick of this crap.

I hate how you have changed, and I'm sick of being the friend that you turn to when you have no one else.
I'm sick of being left out, and ignored.
I hate having to hold back my thoughts and feelings, because if anything slips from my mouth, I'm immediately the bad guy. Though if you say anything, or if I'm hurt, it's okay.
I hate how everything has to be your way, or if i suggest anything, you aren't even willing to listen as to what I have to say.
I hate how I'm immediately shut down from you.
I hate lending you a shoulder to cry on, but your not there for me when I need you.
I hate how you can be are so disregarding towards my feelings and opinions. How you completely ignore me.
I'm sick of hearing sorry, and how I continually grant you a second chance, knowing that you will only hurt me again.

But I can not let go of you. I need you. I love you. I hate how I can not even be myself around you anymore. What happened to us? I miss you.

Justin Bieber is one adorable kid!

In almost 2 weeks,

I'm going back to school. Yay or Nay? Hmm...
Yay, because there's nothing to do on these boring holidays. School actually keeps me busy.
But Nay, because I will be walking down a path into the darkness. Canowindra, a place where they take away year 9 kids, and lock them up on the other side of the school. I'm in 9 Orange this year. Sure, I'm familiar with some of the faces of my peers, but do I actually know them? Nope.

I guess there's two ways to look a this.
Number 1. I'll be a loner for all my classes. Greaaaaaaat.
And Number 2. Being in a class with a bunch of strangers could be a good thing. I'm deffinately a very shy person, but meeting new people will be a good thing. My new years resolution? To come out of my shell. Being a member of 9 Orange, will help me complete this mission.

Also, being in a class, without my closest friends, could also be a good thing. I know that sounds pretty selfish/mean, whatever you want to call it, but I, and they, well actually everybody, needs their personal space. I've learnt from the past that being in a class with only a few of your closest friends, isn't always as good as what it seems.
Myself, and those friends, consistantly had fights throughout the year, basicly because we were too close, and we did not give eachother the personal space we needed.
Hopefully, this year, being isolated from them, and others who I love most, will make our bond stronger.

Another weird thing about Canowindra? We're are starting electives. Electives should be fun, and I have friends in most of my electives. Woohooo.

So really, Canowindra is not a bad thing. Yay, not Nay.
Sure, I will be taking a step into an unkown place, but like life, will be obstacles that I will need to complete on my own. But also, there are parts of those obstacles, where there will be places where the ones I love will be there to support me, and I will be there for them.

Saturday the 23rd of January.

It's currently 8:58 AM. Usually, I would still be asleep at this time, but I woke to the sound of my parents arguing, consistantly throwing punch lines at each other. I lay in bed, drifting in and out of sleep, listening to them, not wanting to enter the madness.
This continually happens; day after day, night after night. Stupid fights about little things. Small arguments instantly evolve into a war zone, leaving me and my brother the only witnesses.
I'm scared. The end of my parents is comming. I know it.

'people change, and promises are broken'

- Take a breath - Jonas Brothers.

At this current moment of time, I'm replaying this song. because I completely agree, and I'm currently relating, to the above lyrics.

Dear Lord,
Thankyou for those Genius-Lyric-Writing Jonas boys.
Amen.

'the ugly truth'

that saying, up there, perfectly describes the 'truth'.
there's nothing good about the truth. i hate it. whether it's to hear it, or to speak it; someone always ends up hurt.
'you should've told me the truth'. yeah, well thats also something stupid. we obviously lied, and/or avoided fact for a valid reason. people should question why, before assuming anything.
truth sucks. thats the truth.

Yesterday,

was a great day. finally, i've spent some quality time with my mother, and brother.

first, we caught the train to melbourne central, shopped around, had lunch, & walked around the city.

we then took the tram to highpoint shopping center. an elderly man sat next to my mum whilst on the tram, he was nice. he explained to us what trams go to where. i found it interesting. when we arrived at his stop, he gave us a wave, and said thankyou to us, in chinese, and left. the chinese suprised me, and made me smile.

at highpoint, we walked around, and window shopped. i enjoyed that for some reason. we went to jb hi-fi, looking for the Disney Sing It. i obviously wanted it. there wasnt any in stock, so obviously we went the the service desk. and on the other side of the desk, there was a very nice employee. not the usual dickheadish 'nup. we dont have it in stock. now go away' type, but the 'is there any other local stores you want me to check for you?' type. he was nice. he made me realise how arrogant some sales people can be. if i was the owner of that store, i would give him the employee of the year award.

anyhow, we went to the highpoint bus stop, obviously seeking a way to go home. we agreed to take the bus to ginifer station, then taking the train back to watergardens, and going home. we sat at the bus stop, discussing multiple outcomes to go home. and a female teenager, around 16 years old, asked us if we lived in the watergardens area. she explained to us all different ways we could go home. i liked that girl, she was very nice.

yesterday was a very good day. my family hasn't really had a good day out together in a long time. i wish for everyday to be like yesterday.

Formspring!

So yesterday I made a formspring. Only because I wanted to follow Nick Jonas, Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato and Taylor Swift, and obviously ask them stuff.

But you can ask me questions if you like.
www.formspring.me/musicismyescape

I know that the username/url is pretty shit, though there is a reason behind it. Like I said before, I only made this formspring thing to follow those listed above. And I find comfort from the music, and lyrics from those above. And obviously because I'm a fan of those disney kids. So yeah. :)

'I love you.'

I removed the phone from my ear, placed my thumb on the red button, and just as I was about to press it, I heard on the other line ‘I love you.’

I pushed the button with as much force I could use. I continually pressed it, over and over, as if it would make everything better. I wanted the pain to go away, but it didn’t. I felt so many different emotions at once. I couldn’t contain it. I just bursted into tears. I had never cried so much. I lifted my hands to my face, trying to wipe away the tears. Instead, I just ended up with mascara all over my hands, proof of my helpless attempt.

www.imaginationismyescape.blogspot.com for more.

"haha, you're gay."

Emily: "Oh my god, that guy is like really hot."
Kevin: "Who?"
Emily: "Haha, you're gay."
*5 Minutes later.*
Kevin: "Look! there's a hot girl!'
Emily: "Where?"
Kevin: "Haha, you're gay... uhh, I mean lesbian."

The Typical American Teenage Love Story

you, me, together, forever? uhh, not likely. reason one; there is no such thing as 'forever'. we will all leave this cruel world one day or another. reason two; simply, we are not 'together'. yet.
just the typical american highschool love story. you're the typical, popular, guy who has the super hot plastic girl friend. and me? i'm just the typical, unpopular girl, with hardley any friends, that you barely even notice.
well, you do. sometimes. i see you look at me from the other side of the room; observing how different i am, from you. we're from completely different social status groups, it's as if we're different species of human, which we probably are. they say that opposites attract, which is mostly likely what draws us into each other, which is why we find each other so attractive.
but you an me, we're too different from each other. too different to have a convosation, let alone to begin a relationship, which in reality, is what we both want. we both look at each other, desiring more than what we see, but it will never happen, we're too different. our current staus, socialy, will never alow it. it just does not fit. and it never will.
unless we try, both contributing as much dedication and passion as we can possible manage. i know that you are secretly crying out for me, with the signals you've been sending me. earlier on, you've indicated your interest in me, with the compliments, and the simplest gestures, that now, thinking about them, give me butterflies. but back then, i had no interest in you. to me, you were the dickhead that i extremely hated. i thought you were trying to hurt me, by fooling me into thinking you liked me, but then play with my mind, and my emotions.
but now, i've gotten to know you a little more, i've seen a different side to you, and i know your flirting was not fiction, but fact. the flirting that you still show to me to this very day. but i, still to this day, do not show any response to this flattery. i find it very difficult to be around you. though i like you, i still feel very intimidated around you. my opinion of you being an ass is still the same, though the postive opinions have just grown upon it.
as i feel intimidated around you, i find it hard to make convosation with you. being the shy girl doesnt help either. i also find it hard to be around you. though i want to be around you, and i want to make convosation with you, when i get the chance, i just shut down, and i don't know why. when i look up, and see you look right back at me, i feel my heart jump out of my chest. i want to rip my eyes away from yours, but i can't. i know you feel the same way.
some day, we will both have the courage to come out from hiding, and show our love for each other to the rest of the world, and be in each others embrace for as long as what we can call 'forever'.

It's amazing,

how you can feel so connected to a fictional character. i watched a movie the other day, i have no idea what it was called, it was just on, so i watched it. and i really enjoyed it. for some reason, i felt a connection to the female lead, like i knew what she was feeling and experiencing, which is what inspired me to write the post above this one. i wanted to put myself in her shoes, and try to write about her love, and feelings for the 'popular' guy of her highschool, who secrectly loved her too.

Rolling On Floor Laughing

I don't know why, but this picture makes me laugh.

It made me 'litterally lol' for about 20 minutes,
it deserves to be posted.

Oh, it only makes sense if you've seen Twilight and
Harry Potter; and the Goblet of Fire.

New Blog! Yeee-hah.

http://www.imaginationismyescape.blogspot.com/
It's pretty much a story; read it if you have nothing better to do.
Warning; Yes, it involves the Jonas Brothers... It's a FanFic. Most People enjoy this story, even though they hate dislike them. Give it a go, don't just reject it cause it involves the Jonas Brothers. :)
You know the saying; Don't Judge A Book By It's Cover... ;)

Anyhow, hopefully this story will give you some sort of understanding as to how the brain of mine works.